Archive for April 16th, 2009

h1

Kama Sutra “Deck Chair” Position……Russian Stylee!!!

April 16, 2009

When you’re a couple in your 50’s, sat bored in your apartment in Kalhuga, central Russia……Yes, it will be very boring there………when your mates lend you a copy of the Kama Sutra………..

kama-1

Well, you’d experiment wouldn’t you……..be honest, another day of being bored in the middle of nowhere…….or flick through the pages and cry “Now then Mrs……..get you’re kit off were gonna have a crack at this!!!”

So, Ivan and Valentina Sokolov duly began their naked “twister” sessions……and got into the “Deck Chair” position…….of which there are several variations.

Now this position……..or their variation of it, apparently means the lady involved has to pull up her knees and tuck her feet under her partners armpits.

……I know, I know, eeeeewwwwwwwww, what a thought, the wife’s Camembert scented little toes either digging into your pressure points under your arms, or her feet slipping out from the sweaty woollen mass of armpit hair and her toe lodging itself into your nostril!!!

kama-2

You know you are only absolutely average in bed when your lady buys you “Olympic Gold Medal” condoms…..and you say “Thank’s darling, you got yourself a Gold Medal lover eh?…….You lucky girl!!!”……….and she replies, “No sweat-heart, you got the Gold Medal condoms because you always come first!!!”

Now, returning to this little incident in question, most men………and even more women…….. are happy when they have a “spasm” before the male of the species………so meanwhile back in Russia, of our sexual athletes, the good lady did indeed “spasm” first……..but not quite as expected by either of them………..or the author of the book.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcNd0HgRcuU

The above is a clip of a Ukraine couple winning Gold at the Sex Olympics…….think I’m gonna get some training in…….looks like a sport I could enjoy!!!!!

Unfortunately………or not, as I like a laugh………this spasm meant Valentina could no longer move, and due to their “entanglement” poor old Ivan had to stay “on the job” for longer than ever before.  After an hour of remaining “plugged in”……….and hat’s of to you Ivan my friend………an hour is pretty impressive……..they called the paramedics.

 kama-4

Desperate not to be embarrassed, it seems Ivan eventually managed to “disengage” himself just prior to the medics arriving……..although, his poor wife was still “spasmed” in “position” and indeed needed  “treatment”.

At this point, I would also like to take my hat off to the medics………It takes true dedication and a great deal of courage to deal with what looks to be a 51 year old Russian badly packed kebab…….. face to fanny !!!!!

kama-6

Errrrrm – What?……You never noticed it looks like a kebab?……….Be a devil, keeps the lights on for once then!!

Experts later said, and I quote “You need quite a high level of fitness for some of these positions.  An average middle aged couple like this would find a lot of them quite challenging.”

Now having considered the above medical advice and deciding to heed it rather than experiment with the Kama Sutra, due to me all-but meeting the age warnings given by the “experts”, I’m now off to bed………

……….To flip the wife over, tell her a*se up, head down, bite the pillow and brace herself………a quick, zip….. flop (damn it…..work you little bast*rd)……, giggle it about a bit……lob (that’s more like it)……. and “Bob’s your Uncle and Fanny’s your Aunt”.

At least this way, even if it is a recognised Kama Sutra position, in the unlikely event I am wearing a Silver Medal condom……..and therefore she “spasms” first…….the worst that can happen is she can blast me off the bed!!!!

kama-71

…………All things, considered, if I start now…….I will be finished in time for the football which starts in 5 minutes!!!!!!

h1

Brit Kidnapped And Held For Ransom In Odessa

April 16, 2009

Well, not your normal tourist advertisement at the approach to the holiday season I’ll grant you.

It has emerged today that a British citizen, Eren Parker, 25 years, from London was reported missing on 9th April.

He was on holiday here in Odessa for 2 weeks.

Some of his family have flown here to Odessa and are negotiating with “Kidnappers” who have demanded $60,000 for his release.

kidnap

They claim he is being held by the “Ukrainian mafia” and have sent $5,000 already by Western Union prior to their arrival.

The exact circumstances of his “abduction” are unclear……….although he was last seen leaving a casino in the early hours of the morning on 7th April alone.

The family are claiming the police are doing nothing other than advising them not to pay…….and that nobody seems to know what is going on.

Wow!!!!! Don’t start unpacking your suitcase or trying to get a last minute change of flight ticket to another destination just yet.

kidnap-5

I will draw your attention to my blog regarding the “Taking of Christ” a few weeks ago.  The fact that the police may or may not be “seen” to be doing nothing……..does not mean they are actually doing nothing…….and the people doing the doing on behalf of the police…….may not be the police.  It is a complicated and less than opaque system which uses both sides of the “tracks” when the certain people don’t like a certain occurrence which would be bad for their image or that of the City.

There is not much doubt that the casino involved will have some sort of “mafia” connection……..they all do, but the mafia do not shit on their own doorstep…….particularly with foreigners unless it is “big business corporate companies” who do not know how things operate here…….rarely individuals. 

It is therefore unlikely that the mafiosi connected to the particular casino will be involved……..in fact they are likely to be a little “pissed” because of the unwanted attention.

kipnap-4

Like everywhere, there is a criminal element……and times are not so good because of the global financial situation……so an unaccompanied foreigner coming out of a casino in the early hours of the morning, probably unable to speak the language, may as well put a big target on their backs for the local low-life………most of which are not associated with the mafia at all.  I cannot imagine Las Vegas is that safe when you wander off the “Strip” either.

kidnap-6

Then to consider the “unknown financial calibre” of the abductee and the size of the ransom demand…….$60,000 is hardly a mafia sum………and definitely not worth the heightened interest in their activities by the law enforcement and political entities here.

When did you ever hear of the mafia getting their money via Western Union either?

kidnap-2

Nothing warrants or can justify this guys abduction…….despite the fact he obviously was oblivious to any form of personal safety or the environment he came to for his holiday, but he is from London.  Leaving a casino in the early hours, alone, in London, poses the same risks, even when you are familiar with your surroundings.

There is no picture of this guy to put up dear reader……..but then there would be nothing to be gained by it anyway…….as you are hardly likely to see him here……..when you are there!!!

%d bloggers like this: