I have committed a school boy error…………I am to stand in the corner with the hat with the big “D” for Dunce on it……….or in Russia and Ukraine “D” for Durak……which means pretty much the same as “Dunce”……but in a “stupid twat” kind of way!!
In all the years I have been in Ukraine and Russia, I have learned NEVER……..I say NEVER……..drink vodka with the locals.
Why, because no matter how big you are……..and I am not a small man……..the locals drink vodka like water…….and to be honest Vodka is cheaper to buy than water here too. They will………no matter how much you can drink……..put you under the table. I swear they were weaned on it. Pregnant Slavic women must breast feed Vodka rather than milk…..they are seemingly immune from it’s effects!!
Not only is Vodka exceptionally cheap here……..it is strong……very f*cking strong………and you drink it straight. There is no other way to drink vodka here………other than straight!
If you want Coke, orange, Red Bull or even ice in your vodka………well…….that is not only as offensive to the Russians and Ukrainians your are drinking with, as having a sh*t in their wife’s handbag and then watching her put her hand in her handbag to get her mobile phone………but you are also more effeminate than the most stereotypical shirt-lifting, “Chase me, chase me………oh you bitch!,” interbred village gay boy.
Here, as a man, you must be masculine………and therefore drink pure rocket fuel without any form of dilution whatsoever in vast and speedy quantity.
I know ALL this…….and for this reason, when I drink, which is not often, I drink red wine…….Moldovan red wine I would recommend to anyone…..but never vodka!!
Two days ago, however, after watching my friends charity football match, the good lady wife and I decided to wander up to Pechescargo……..the best restaurant in Odessa……..and have something to eat……..which is not unusual for us, as we eat there at least once a week and have done so for years and years.
Anyway, we arrive and Edik……..the owner……..beckons us over to his table……..which is an honour I can assure you, as anybody you will ever need to know to get things done in Odessa sits at “his table”……..and obviously eats and drinks for free.
Now, sitting at his table involves not only mountains of excellent…….even more excellent as it is free……food, but also more booze than can be drunk on a 3 year long stag party!!
So the first bottle…….of several……..straight from the freezer……of vodka arrives and having been here so long, I know there is no point in protesting or asking for a mixer……..for the reasons stated. I also know that there is no way I will be leaving the restaurant sober……and so does my wife!!
If you are entertaining here and budgeting for the booze………it is easier to assume 1 bottle of vodka per person……minimum.
Now Edik is a very good and charitable man……..he seriously gives a lot to charity…….but he is also a very astute businessman……..and who wouldn’t be, when all the City hierarchy sit at your table once or twice a week. It also transpires he was in politics himself and was indeed a RADA member back in the days of Kuchma……..and still has very strong and well placed connections with the very top Ukrainian politicians.
This……..so my wife told me later…….because vodka is a very very bad thing……..and therefore I can’t remember much of the several hours we were “eating” with him……..has led to him buying various properties and land in Odessa…….all of which are of course, strategically placed.
I am told that he discussed with me, a large area of land he owns opposite the main Post Office in the city centre. On it there are several buildings which must be demolished and a new creation of his will be put on it. I do have vague recollections that this part of the city was talked about and that he owned something there.
Next thing I remember, is being poured out of Edik’s car by his driver outside my house.
A few hours later, my good lady wife tells me that the following day……..which was yesterday………we had to be back in the city as we were going to look at what he wanted demolishing and his plans for what is to take it’s place. Seemingly he had asked me to either run the job for him……..both demolition and construction……..or actually take the whole project on……..and I had agreed!
I don’t remember this………..I think my wife said I would do it……not me……….but she says otherwise!
Anyway, yesterday, 11 am I am looking at a 3.5 hectare bizarre…..that’s market for most of us…..and in a corner is a massive “L” shaped building which I discover was burnt out 20 years ago by an electrical fire. It is this that needs to be demolished…..whilst preserving the facade in accordance with City Ordnance as it is in the “touristy, pretty part of town”.
Now, not only does my mate Edik want to do this, but he also wants to put an 1800 underground car park facility there, and on top of it shops on the ground floor, a creche and office on the next floor and office above those in the top floor.
The sly bugger, then asked me how much I thought it would cost to do…….to which I said $15 million to knock it all down, do the underground 2 storey car park and above ground 3 floors. Only at this point did he produce a Quantity Surveyor report from an Italian firm…….stating a cost of $15 Million……it’s lucky I know my “onions” dear readers…..and even more fortunate I was sober yesterday morning!!
Now this little venture will make a small fortune……in fact, it will break even on the investment before it is finished, just by selling 800 of the car parking spots to locals as car parking in this area will soon be banned on the surrounding streets…..I told you he was connected……fancy that, an 1800 space car park and soon parking will be banned in the surrounding streets…..of which 800 can be bought for life by the locals…..at $20,000 a pop!!!
Eh?……..Oh no, the spaces will sell and sell quickly……..a garage, falling down with a leaky asbestos roof in Moscow costs $20,000 and have a waiting list…..and you can park in the streets around the garages there.
Edik is no fool…..and it seems I have a bit of work ahead of me for the next 2 years or so if I want it…….so now I have a few days of going over drawings, numbers and generating a works programme…….on top of several apartment refurbishments, a 2000 meter office refurbishment, finishing my own house……or getting a divorce…….selling another I have for sale……finding an apartment for someone to buy from Oz…..and then refitting that too.
Vodka, like I say, is a very, very bad thing!!!
